Secrets
by Seadragon68
Summary: Carl's got a secret and Van Helsing is determined to find out just what it is... But is this a case of be careful what you wish for?
1. Carl's Got a Secret

**_Amazing the inspiration you can get from going on an Australian movie binge..._**

Van Helsing was creeping stealthily down the hall. Over the past year he had noticed something about Carl he found disturbing and he was determined to find out what was going on.

It began when he came back unexpectedly from a mission. Usually word spread through the Vatican upon his arrival, and Carl would always be ready and waiting for him. This time though, he had been traveling in disguise and therefore he was able to slip into the Vatican without anyone the wiser. He had gone straight to the lab even though it was rather late, intending to see Carl before retiring.

It had become something of a ritual to him. Before he could really settle down from a mission he had to see Carl. Jinette he saw first because the Cardinal insisted but it was Carl who he really wanted to see. It was something he couldn't completely explain but he never felt at ease until he had seen the man and listened to him grouse about this, that or the other thing. He liked to tell himself it was just part of having a routine – something his life was sorely missing but deep down he knew it was more then that. He just didn't like to think about it too much.

This night, he had entered into the lab and found Carl hard at work scribbling. Carl was forever taking notes about his many projects and ideas and there was something sort of comforting about seeing Carl bent over the table. Smiling widely, he made his way over to Carl with the intent of slapping him on the shoulder (since Carl had made it abundantly and violently clear that ruffling his hair was NOT acceptable). However, Carl must have sensed his presence and looked up. What came next surprised Van Helsing.

Instead of greeting him with the usual friendly banter/grousing, Carl looked almost displeased to see him. More over, he gathered up his papers and locked them in a drawer – something he had never done before. Carl had always tried to talk about his work with Van Helsing, even though most of the time it went right over his head. But Van Helsing took it as a sign of trust that Carl shared with him. He didn't like this sudden exclusion.

Trying to make light of it he joked, "So, what are you working on? Secret plans to overthrow Jinette? If so, I'd be more then happy to help out. I'm getting rather tired of him yelling at me."

Carl merely gave him a withering look and "I'm not trying to take over the Order. Why would I want to? Thankless job running this place if you ask me." He then bustled around the lab, straightening test tubes and other equipment that he clearly hadn't been using.

So if Carl wasn't working on an experiment, what had he been working on? The curiosity was killing Van Helsing but he also knew that Carl was clearly not in the mood for sharing. Perhaps tomorrow when they had both gotten some sleep?

Carl fiddled with a few things and then grumbled, "I wasn't expecting you. No one sent word that you had arrived. So what did you do, sneak in through a window?" He clearly looked unhappy at the lack of notice.

Van Helsing's eyebrow shot up. Irritated and slightly hurt he said, "Pardon me. I didn't realize my arrival was such an inconvenience for you. I'll just take myself off, shall I?" He turned, and walked out the door, his body stiff with anger.

Carl just sighed and said, "I'm sorry. It's just that I was expecting to have some uninterrupted time to work and then you came in. Usually word comes down to the lab when you've been spotted." Making a conciliatory gesture he said, "So how was the mission? Other then the strange clothes, you look well enough." He gave the Hunter a small smile.

Van Helsing accepted Carl's offer of contrition and smiled, "What, you don't like the disguise? I think I make a rather dashing sailor." He struck a pose he thought was suitably nautical.

Carl merely shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Its just as well no one recognized you. People wonder about you as it is." With that he gave a sudden, large yawn.

Van Helsing chuckled and said, "Looks like its time for good little friars to be in bed". He threw a companionable arm over Carl's shoulder and eased him towards the door. Carl gave one last look at his desk and then shrugged and allowed himself to be lead from the lab.

Van Helsing had thought everything would be back to normal between them but the next day came and went and Carl did not show him whatever it was he was working on that night. As time passed, Van Helsing dropped subtle hints, which were completely ignored. Moreover, on several other occasions he caught Carl again working on this mysterious project. Each time it happened, Carl would gather up his papers and lock them away in his desk drawer. Questions were either ignored or given a vague answer. The one consistency was Carl's steadfast determination that he never be allowed to see them or know what was on them and his strange secrecy.

He tried asking some of the other monks about Carl's mysterious project but they knew nothing. Carl didn't share his work with the others unless he needed help so as it turned out, Van Helsing knew more then they did. Frustrated, he decided to be unethical and break into Carl's desk. Sneaking into the lab late one night, he picked the lock on Carl's desk only to find the drawer completely empty. It would appear that Carl was expecting him to try this and had moved the papers someplace safer. Growling in frustration, he stormed out of the lab, determined to find out Carl's secret.

But it was months since he first surprised Carl in his lab and he was still no closer to finding out what was in those papers. Tonight he was determined to change that. He was going to sneak into the lab and wait until Carl hid away his papers. Then, after Carl left, he would finally be able to see what Carl's big secret was. It had become about more then just curiosity. He hated the distance this secret had created between them. Whatever was on those papers, he was sure that it wouldn't change the friendship they shared. They had been through far too much together for that. But he was less certain their friendship could survive this secret.

Sneaking into the lab, he moved careful until he was hidden in a place where he could clearly see Carl. Once again he was hunched over his desk, scribbling away. Periodically he would raise his head and scan the area, as if trying to sense if anyone was around. Van Helsing knew he was well enough hidden but it raised the hackles on the back of his head. What could Carl possibly be working on that he would be this nervous about being discovered? Settling himself more comfortably, he prepared to wait Carl out.

**_To Be Continued..._**


	2. Van Helsing Goes Digging

It was nearly dawn before Carl quit the lab. He had been writing steadily for the entire time and had accumulated a rather large stack of papers. Van Helsing had been concerned that Carl was going to take his papers back to his room with him but instead Carl pulled open the casing of a large, unused piece of equipment and stashed the papers inside. Then looking around furtively, he left the lab. Van Helsing waited until he was quite sure that Carl wasn't coming back and then moved from his hiding place.

With his heart beating much faster then it did when he faced down a monster, he pulled open the hiding place and took out the papers. He then found a sheltered corner where his lantern wouldn't be seen and sat down. He couldn't believe how nervous he was to find out Carl's secret. He knew that he promised himself that nothing he read would change his relationship with Carl but now that he was facing it, he was afraid of what he would find. Carl's behavior had been pretty furtive and that was not like the man.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he picked up the pile of papers and began reading. What he saw stunned him enormously. He had imagined any number of possible contents but this had never crossed his mind!

He continued to read through the stack of papers, going faster and faster, hardly able to believe his eyes. It was only when he heard talking coming from the hallway that he realized that the day had come and that the lab would soon be full of monks. He quickly dashed across the room and stashed the papers in their hiding place and then fled the labs for his rooms.

Once there he threw himself on the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. But it didn't stop the images that floated through his mind, conjured up by what Carl had written. Groaning, he rolled on his stomach and tried to think of something else… anything else. But no matter how hard he tried, his mind kept returning to what he had read.

How could Carl have written it? He was a friar. How does a friar know of such things? He's suppose to be chaste, and holy and… Van Helsing moaned and buried his head in his pillow as a particularly lurid image floated through his head. He was beginning to wish he had never read the papers, never unearthed Carl's secret.

He tried to burrow further into his pillows but it didn't stop the flow of images that filled his mind. Nor did it stop his body's response to them. Why hadn't he just left well enough alone!

**_To Be Continued..._**


	3. Now who's acting strangely?

Carl was hard at work in his lab, trying to work out the kinks in another weapon. He was rather wishing he had not worked so late last night but things had been flowing and he had been reluctant to cut it short. He has precious little time to work, especially since Van Helsing had begun to pry. He sighed and allowed himself a glance at the papers' hiding place. It was almost done and then he could relax for a little while.

Picking up the weapon, he began tinkering with the inner workings. He quickly became absorbed in his work and didn't notice the passing of time until he heard on of the other monks calling good night to his fellow workers. Sighing he put down what he was working on and stretched, trying to work the kinks out of his back. He looked over at the hiding place, wondering if he dared do some work. He shook his head, not until he knew where Van Helsing was. He couldn't afford to have the man sneaking up on him while he was working. The Hunter had become far too determined lately and Carl couldn't let him find out what he was up to.

Deciding that he'd need to wait until later, he wandered off to the kitchen to get something to eat. As usual, he had missed the communal dinner but the cook had become so use to Carl's strange work habits that he always set aside a plate of food for him. Humming slightly to himself, he made his way to the kitchen. Once he had eaten, he was going to head back to the lab and work. He was quite sure that with a couple more hours, he could finish up.

Because Carl was distracted by his thoughts, he didn't see the figure sitting at the kitchen table. It was only the sound of someone coughing that brought him back to the present.

Van Helsing looked up at the sound of someone approaching. At the sight of the man he had skipped dinner to avoid, he swallowed hastily, causing himself to choke on a morsel of food. Coughing he bent over the table, trying to catch his breath so he could make a quick excuse and flee the room.

Carl pushed aside his annoyance at seeing the current bane of his existence and moved to pound Van Helsing on the back. Once he saw that the Hunter was breathing again, he stepped back and said "Well, I hadn't expected to see you here." He moved towards the counter where he knew there would be a plate of food ready for him. He hoped that if he didn't make eye contact, he could avoid the usual questioning that always seemed to happen when he encountered Van Helsing. He debated just taking the plate back to the lab with him but decided against it since Van Helsing could just as easily corner him there as here. Sighing he turned back towards the table.

Meanwhile Van Helsing was trying to come up with some plausible reason to leave. Unfortunately he had a half full plate of food in front of him so the obvious excuse was unavailable. Nor could he claim pressing business regarding a mission, as there were currently no reports requiring attention. He couldn't even say he needed to train as it was late at night and such an excuse would come across as unbelievable. Desperately he looked around the room, hoping for some kind of inspiration. He almost panicked when he saw Carl turning around. Oh God! What if Carl tried to talk to him?

When Carl turned around, he was surprised to see that not only was the Hunter not about to say anything but he seemed to be looking anywhere but at Carl. Frowning in puzzlement, he stared at the dark haired man. What the hell was going on? Van Helsing had been stalking him at every available opportunity and now when Carl had absolutely nothing to use as an excuse to ignore him, suddenly Van Helsing was leaving him be. It made no sense at all. Curiosity piqued, Carl moved to the kitchen table and sat down.

Van Helsing almost flinched when Carl sat down. Why was he doing this? Shouldn't he be running back to the lab? But thinking of the lab made Van Helsing think of what Carl had hidden there and he found himself flushing. God, he couldn't think of that now, not with Carl sitting right there. Trying to think of anything else, he stared down at his plate of food. Realizing that eating would be a good cover, he quickly shoveled a mouthful of food and began chewing. He was sweating visibly and praying for some kind of intervention. A lightening strike at this point would even be welcome.

Carl studied Van Helsing carefully. The man was flushed and he was sweating as if next to a roaring fire. Yet the kitchen was actually rather cool now that the stoves were no longer in use and Van Helsing was never one to respond to temperature anyway. One of his more annoying traits. So what was going on with the man? Was he ill? Concern pushed aside the last remnants of irritation and Carl leaned towards Van Helsing. Trying to get a closer look at Van Helsing's eyes he said, "Are you feeling alright? You seem rather flushed and you are sweating." Thinking to see if the man was running a fever, Carl reached out his hand and placed it on the Hunter's forehead.

Van Helsing leapt out of his chair as if he had been scalded, his violent reaction causing his chair to crash to the floor. He backed away from Carl, his eyes wide and panicked.

Carl jumped himself though he managed to avoid tipping his chair over. His heart was racing from Van Helsing's unexpected reaction. "What in the blazes is wrong with you? You act like I just tried to stab you!"

Van Helsing tried to gather his rattled thoughts and said, "I'm sorry. You startled me that all. Really I'm fine. Just fine. Perfectly fine in fact." He knew he was babbling but he just couldn't seem to stop himself. The feel of Carl's hand on his skin was enough to bring back all the images that had been haunting him all day. He had to get out of there. He frantically eyed the door, trying to figure out if he could make it past Carl.

Carl was looking at Van Helsing with alarm. What was going on with the man? He was acting completely rattled and Van Helsing NEVER got rattled. His ability to stay calm when faced with the most hideous of monsters was what made him such an effective Hunter. What could have possibly overset him?

Moving slowly and keeping his expression non-threatening, Carl tried to approach Van Helsing. He felt a bit like he was dealing with some wild animal. He could see that Van Helsing was ready to bolt and it was unnerving him a bit. Why was Van Helsing reacting this way? Ever since he had walked into the room… Carl froze in midstep. Van Helsing was acting this way because of him. But why? Up until yesterday, it was all he could do to get the man to leave him alone. Now, all of a sudden, he was desperate to flee the room. What had changed?

Van Helsing could see Carl drawing closer and while part of him could see that Carl was treating him like he was some kind of lunatic, he was too disturbed by Carl's presence to get annoyed. All he could think about was to get out of there before Carl could reach him.

Deciding that escape was of far more importance then dignity, he moved quickly, dodging around Carl and making for the door. Over his shoulder he called "Its late, I should leave you now". Making it through the safety of the door, he continued to speed down the hall until he made the safety of his room. Bolting the door behind him, he leaned against it, his breath coming in shaking pants. Tomorrow he was heading out. He just couldn't do this right now.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Carl stared at the empty doorway in shock. Van Helsing had just run away from him. The man who had faced down demons and werewolves had fled from him, a harmless friar. What the hell was going on?

Suddenly Carl went very cold. Van Helsing hadn't tried to pry information out of him. For the first time in months the Hunter hadn't tried to get Carl to talk. With a pit in his stomach, Carl went racing down the hall to his lab. He suddenly had a very bad feeling about what was causing Van Helsing's strange behavior...

**_To Be Continued..._**


	4. We Need To Talk

**_My thanks to everyone who kindly took the time to review. Don't know why but I realized I'm in a terribly melodramatic place (hence this whole story) Hopefully the completing of this will end this rather mopey period of my life... :)_**

Carl ran into the lab and over to his hiding place. Taking only the briefest of moments to insure the lab was empty, he took the cover off the abandoned piece of equipment and peered inside. Sure enough, the small thread he had draped across the pile of papers was missing. Someone had found his hiding place. And judging from Van Helsing's recent behavior, he knew exactly who. He put the cover back on and sunk back onto a bench.

This was an absolute disaster! How had the wretched man found his hiding place? He had been so careful about only taking the papers out when no one was around. But knowing the blasted man, he probably found a way to lurk undetected. Damn him! Why couldn't he have just left it alone?

Carl dropped his head down in his hands. Judging from Van Helsing's reaction, he was horrified by what he had read. This thought only caused the pit in Carl's stomach to grow. What if Van Helsing was so horrified that he told someone about it? If he did, Carl was in the kind of trouble that no amount of fast-talking was going to get him out of. Swallowing hard, he realized there was only one thing to do. He had to go find Van Helsing and talk him into keeping his mouth shut about this.

Carl got shakily to his feet and headed out of the lab. The most likely place that Van Helsing would have gone was to was his room. And while this was hardly the place Carl would chose to have this conversation, its not like he could wait and hope to corner the man someplace more convenient. With the level of twitchiness that the Hunter had developed, it wouldn't take long for someone to notice and ask him what was bothering him. Carl just couldn't take that chance – he'd have to talk to Van Helsing tonight.

When he reached Van Helsing's door, he stood outside it for a moment trying to buck up his courage for what would come next. As much as he hated to admit it, it hurt that Van Helsing's reaction was so negative. While he hadn't expected total acceptance (which is why he had kept this a secret in the first place) he would have thought that once known, Van Helsing would have at least approached him and asked for an explanation. Carl thought that their friendship would have at least merited that. But it would appear that their friendship might not longer be an issue. That thought was painful indeed and almost made him leave for the privacy of his room so he could nurse his wounds but unfortunately there was much more at stake then his personal feelings. As bad as this could get, he had to talk to Van Helsing and get his promise to keep this to himself. If it came to it, he would agree to get transferred off Van Helsing's cases. It wouldn't be easy but it would be for the best if Van Helsing could not find a way past this.

Carl gave a heavy, sorrowful sigh then squared his shoulders. He might as well get this over with. He knocked on the door and waited for Van Helsing.

Van Helsing was pacing his room when the knock came on his door. Who the hell would be knocking at this time of night? He stared at the door and realized that the only person who would be up at this time of night was Carl. For one frantic moment, he debated about not letting him in but quickly realized that Carl wasn't the type who would go away – especially when he sensed something was going on. His curiosity just wouldn't let him let it go. Steeling himself for the worst, he walked to the door and opened it.

Carl had been fidgeting nervously and was beginning to wonder if the Hunter had gone to sleep. He had been just about to turn away when the door opened. Van Helsing was looking frazzled and his hair showed signs of having been run through with agitated hands. For a moment Carl forgot his own hurt in the face of his friend's obvious distress. But then he remembered that he was the cause of that distress and that the only thing he could do to fix it was to get Van Helsing's word to stay silent and then leave him alone.

"Look, Van Helsing… ah… we need to talk…." He found it hard to say the words that would effectively end their relationship. Still, it had to be done. Straightening his back, he pushed past Van Helsing and moved so that he was standing by the window. This gave him a reason not to face Van Helsing and that would at least make it a bit easier to do what he had to do. Bad enough he had to do this without having to see the look of disgust and rejection on Van Helsing's face on top of it.

"Its clear from your reaction in the kitchen that you've been reading my papers. And while I can't say I'm not disappointed that you didn't respect my privacy, it's obvious that what you have read you don't approve of. Now I'm not going to waste my time tell you why I wrote it – its clear how you feel about it and nothing I say is going to change that. All I ask is that you agree to not tell anyone else what you have seen. Give me your word and I promise that I'll have myself transferred to the Order's operations in England. It will probably take a few weeks to organize so in the meantime, I promise not to approach you or work on any case that might arise between now and then. As much as is humanly possible, I'll make sure that you won't have to have any interactions with me whatsoever since you find me so distasteful." Carl's voice chocked a bit on the last bit and he fought to get himself under control. There would be time enough when he was done here to mourn what he had lost. For now, he needed to hold himself together long enough to get Van Helsing's promise of secrecy. Taking a deep breath, he turned around though he made sure that he didn't make eye contact with Van Helsing. "Will you give me your word?"

Van Helsing didn't respond and Carl felt himself grow cold. Did this mean that Van Helsing's disgust ran so deep that he would turn Carl in? Carl started to tremble and he had to clasp his hands together to hide it. Taking a deep breath he whispered "Please Van Helsing. I know you now despise me but please, for the sake of what friendship we once had, please do not turn me in. If you want, I'll leave the Order entirely. Leave the church. Please just let me walk away. I'll do it tonight. I can pack and be gone in an hour. Please Van Helsing… please." Tears were streaming down Carl's face and his voice cracked with fear and grief. It was clear now that he had destroyed the one relationship that had ever really mattered to him. Affection had turned to hate and there was nothing left to do but pray for some kind of mercy.

Van Helsing was frozen in shock. He had been so caught up in his own reaction to everything that he had never really considered what was going through Carl's head. He had hid from Carl because he couldn't face his own reactions to what he had read. He hadn't realized that his shame had led Carl to believe that he was disgusted and angry with him. Worse still, it had left Carl fearful for his very safety. That Carl was begging for the chance to leave – to flee in the middle of the night like a criminal – was like a knife to the gut. He had done this to the man because he was too cowardly to admit to what he felt.

He reached out a shaking hand and slowly wiped the tears from Carl's face. The feel of them made him close his eyes, tears starting to sting his own eyes. "I'm so sorry" he whispered. "I'm so very, very sorry". He continued to gently stroke Carl's cheek as he murmured his apology over and over.

Carl looked at Van Helsing in confusion. He didn't understand what was happening. Van Helsing was apologizing and his touch was so gentle. Shaking his head, he struggled to speak. "Van Helsing. Please, just tell me what you want me to do. I'll leave tonight if that's what you want. Just tell me – I can't take not knowing." He looked with pleading eyes at the dark haired man before him who still hadn't looked at Carl.

Van Helsing flinched when he heard Carl once again offer to leave. That was the last thing he wanted. None of this was Carl's fault. He was the one who read Carl's writings when Carl had clearly not wanted him to. And he was the one who was ashamed of how he now felt. He had brought this down on himself and he would not let Carl take the blame for something he had not caused.

Opening his eyes, he looked at Carl directly for the first time since reading his papers. Seeing the pain and confusion in Carl's eyes, he wanted nothing more then to wrap him in his arms and promise that no harm would ever come to him. That he didn't need to run away or to give up the work that he loved. That he was a coward but that Carl would not have to suffer because of that. He wanted to say all that and more but all that came out was "Don't go."

Carl shook his head. "I don't understand. You hate me. You hate what I wrote. Why would you want me to stay?" He looked deeply into Van Helsing's eyes, trying to make sense of it all.

Van Helsing sighed and said softly "I don't hate you, Carl. I could never hate you. And I don't hate what you wrote. I almost wish I could say that I did. What you wrote… its… god, Carl… the things it has made me think… feel… want… I'm so sorry Carl. I'm so very, very sorry!" Van Helsing hung his head, unable to meet Carl's eyes anymore.

Carl took a shuddering breath as what Van Helsing said sank in. He didn't hate Carl or what he wrote. In fact, far from hating it, it stirred something within the man that he hadn't expected. That thought had Carl's mind reeling. But why was Van Helsing apologizing?

Summoning a strength he never knew he possessed, he reached out his hand and gently raised Van Helsing's face. Van Helsing allowed him to do it but still did not meet Carl's eyes. His shame and guilt was written all over his face. With a flash of insight, Carl finally understood the final missing piece. Smiling sweetly, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss upon Van Helsing's lips. It was soft and slow – barely touching. A kiss to show that there was nothing more to fear between them. A kiss for beginnings.

Van Helsing took a shuddering breath and drew back from the kiss. He searched Carl's face and saw nothing there but understanding, compassion and love. It was like a huge weight dropped off him. He reached up and trailed his fingers in a gentle caress of Carl's face. It caused his fingers tingle as if charged. "Carl…" he whispered "You've woken something in me. You are my friend and yet… I want more too. What you wrote… it made me want things. Want you. Its like a hunger that grows and grows. " His fingers continued to caress Carl's cheek and neck. "I want to be the one that you write about. I want to do the things that you talked about. Do them with you. " He dropped his eyes from Carl's and his fingers stilled, cupping the back of Carl's neck. He felt suddenly nervous to ask the next question. Licking his lips, he raised his eyes again and said "Do you want to do them with me?" His heart was in his throat as the words left his mouth.

Carl closed his eyes a moment at hearing the simple question and the sincere desire and love in Van Helsing's tone. It was a dream he truly believed would never come true. Opening his eyes he gave Van Helsing a smile that held every ounce of love he felt for the man. "You are the one I write about. It is you that I picture – you that I dream of. I started writing because I needed to find a release for what I felt. There is no other I would want to give myself to." Continuing to smile, he took Van Helsing's hand and drew him towards the bed.

That night was the first of many nights the men shared together. Like Carl's writing, it had to remain a secret but it was one that was well worth keeping. For some things are just too precious to share with everyone…


End file.
